I’m a Dreamer.
Mostly… Bec. I’m also a flash
and blood human, with all the knowledge and fear of his limits.
For someone who wasn’t raised
in environmental of positive attitude, with this American mentality – “You can
do it! Go for it! We believe in You” – it’s hard, very hard to change the way
of thinking and start creating reality from dreams.
The truth is that, it was even
hard to start dreaming and finding the path for me to follow. I was always told
that I shouldn’t expect too much from life bec. I will be only disappointed.
For many years I also didn’t know what should be my road, bec. when you don’t
start dreaming about lil things you want to do, they can’t become big visions.
So I just lived – day after
day, year after fucking year with no purpose. Getting older, accomplished
nothing, didn’t fit in any society roles like wife, mother, employee… and all I
had didn’t make any sense to me.
The change wasn’t sudden, it
didn’t came like a revelation or some amazing situation that happened and
change my life – so don’t wait and count on that!
It was a process – long,
boring and few times changed in time. Waking up to understand who I want to be
wasn’t easy, mostly bec. of surrounding reality. When you work at least 8 hours
a day in corpo-brainwash organizations, live in a country that won’t help you a
bit, but mostly build stairs before your foot and you have to every
day count money for living – then it’s hard to have strength or time
to dream. Society take away from us the possibilities to imagine how we would
like to live, so we live how they tell us to. Most of us can only create a plan
– what will I do if I won a million dollars – but we don’t have a motivation to
think – what I can do by my own mind and hands to become the person I want to
be.
So there I was – the observer
of my life… passing by, going deeper into huge depression with episodes of
something that looked like bipolar disease, which by the way I have since now,
but I learned to handle them.
My life changed a lot, I’m not
observer any more, I know who I want to become and what I want to accomplished,
but it doesn’t mean that I still don’t have moments of falling into huge, black
whole when I realize the fragility of life and all I can think then, is that
better be dead. That time came to me not long ago and something quite strange
happened then. I had a dream that I’m sick, some cancer I think – don’t
remember exactly – and I got few days of life left. What I remember very good
was an enormous panic that surrounded my mind, the thoughts – I’m not going to
finish me book, I’m not going to move to Australia and never be with the one I
should be. It was one of those realistic dreams, when even after waking up you
still think it’s truth. For a moment I found out how it is to face the death
and feel you don’t have a chance to make your dreams reality – one thing I can
say after that – I won’t wish to be dead never again…
Conclusion is that life is
valuable – so fuck every obstacle, search for your way and when you find it
follow, bec. we don’t have much time and there’s no reason to wait…
doubts are always in our minds but as long we live, we can win them.
